


Sometimes you should think a little higher of yourself

by hidinginmyroom



Category: teen wolf - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Denial, Depression, F/M, M/M, Multi, Rambling, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Texting, maybe a lot later, not a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 10:58:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidinginmyroom/pseuds/hidinginmyroom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is struggelig with his self confidence and somehow Derek helps him feel better about himself.</p>
<p>Or its the middle of the night and I have no idea of what's going on in my head but I really wanted to write Sterek.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's the middle of the night and I don't know what the fuck is going on

**Author's Note:**

> Its really late and I have not read trough this because I'm lazy, so its probably filled with spelling errors and stuff. But I will fix it, or alt least I will think about fixing it.

Stiles know there is something wrong and he’s also aware of the fact that it’s not the kind of thing he is supposed to talk about. It’s the kind of thing that makes him lay awake in his bed all night, not even getting a second of sleep. Having all the bad things he don’t want to talk about playing on repeat in his head. Over and over again until he can’t stop the tears from coming. Making him think about all the bad things that he doesn’t want to think about, can’t think about. At least not without feeling so low that just breathing feels like a hard task. 

He doesn’t want to feel like this, he want to at least be kind of happy. Hell, he would even be fine with kind of alright or just not a total mess that can’t make anybody care about him. He knows that none of them do, and it’s fine. Who would anyways? He’s to messed up for anybody to want to give a shit. And even if he was emotionally and more importantly mentally stable it would probably wouldn’t even matter.

Nothing about him is attractive for anybody. He’s a skinny mess of ADHD and other issues that he doesn’t really like to talk or think about. Not that anybody would like to talk with him about it anyways. But that’s beside the point, he knows he’s a mess and his done with laying alone in his bed not being able to sleep and making himself feel even shittier about himself than he already was.

There is just not that much else for him to do, its 3 in the morning. Everybody else he knows is asleep and no matter how much he would like to just die, that option is still not a valid option. He at least have to try a while longer, for his dad. Not a lot of other people that care. But Stiles is totally fine with that, really. 

The thing is just that he really needs something to do; he can’t just lie there in his bed all night. It will make him go even more insane. Texting Scott is something he could do, but Scott isn’t really someone he wants to bug in the middle of the night. They are best bros, but he just doesn’t want to tell Scott about his urges to kill himself and just how fucked up he has become. And also he’s like 95% sure that Scott is having a sleepover with Isaac anyways and he really don’t want to intrude on that.

Still, texting sounds like a kind of good idea and he should text someone. The only question is who the fuck else is awake now? And who actually wants to text him anyway. He doesn’t really have that many options to be quite honest. If he was really desperate he could text Peter, but he’s way to afraid that would make him turn up in his room and Stiles really don’t want that. 

He should maybe just give up and find a book to read, which might make him fall asleep. Or it might keep him up even longer so not that good idea that either. There have to be some else he could text, someone that awake and odd hours and doesn’t really have that much of a life. And to be honest Stiles is kind of disappointed in himself for not thinking of Derek right away. 

 

03.23  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
So zombies totally aren’t a thing right? Because I really don’t want someone who used to be human to eat me.

03.34  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
No and who is this?

03.36  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
That’s disappointing, and I’m kind of offended that you don’t have my number saved. This is the most amazing human you know. 

Stiles were totally not laughing to himself as he wrote that, and he’s not at all surprised by the fact that he can still laugh. Its really something he does everyday, because he so normal and not at all fucked up. Not at all. 

03.37  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Lydia?

And even if Stiles knew deep down that Derek was kidding with saying Lydia it kid of hurt, knowing Derek (and everybody else) didn’t think he was awesome, just annoying and boring. And probably just in the way all the time.

 

03.40  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Haha, funny. We both know I’m way more awesome than Lydia in so many ways. But what about mermaids? I really like to meet one of those. 

Stiles were not letting Derek know that he was kind of hurt, not ever. He was also kind for over Lydia, in an I’m well aware of the fact that this girl will never even look at me twice so I’m giving up way. But still, he was kind of getting to a point where he could see that he was kind of almost as smart as her in some ways. Not as smart, just not that far behind. 

03.44  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Go to bed Stiles

 

03.45  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
But what about the mermaids? 

03.47  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
I will kill you

 

03.48  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Fine as you wish my lord

 

And Stiles was not at all scared, not a single bit. Totally not. But he was kind of feeling a little better know. He didn’t have that I want to die, just let me die gut feeling anymore and even if it was just for a little while it felt good. He still felt bad about mostly everything but it wasn’t as bad as it used to be. Also having Derek answer him was making him feel a little better, even though he did not have a thing for Derek. Nope, not at all. Derek was just scary and kind of funny to bug sometimes. Stiles didn’t want to hit that at all. Nope. 

Not that he ever would anyways but he could think about it, and just not tell anybody. Ever.


	2. One bad ting shouldn't feel like the end of the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to sleep but then this happened.

In the end Stiles did get some sleep, but not enough that he didn’t feel like crying when his dad woke him up at 7 am to tell him that he had to work an extra shift. And really his dad could actually just leave a note or something that wasn’t waking Stiles up at 7 am on a Saturday. That was sleep time and there was no way he was getting any sleep now. So he could just as well get up and do something. But what?

It was too early to hang out with Scott, and he was probably busy with Isaac anyway, so that wasn’t really an option, as usual. He really missed hanging out with him but there wasn’t a lot Stiles could do about it. It wasn’t like he could force Scott to spend less time with his boyfriend and more with him just because he was feeling down.

He decided to just get some cloths on and go get a coffee so he could have a better chance of getting through the day. And besides he needed to get out of the house somehow and it wasn’t like he had that many places to go. 

Actually leaving the house was kind of hard because Stiles really didn’t feel like being in public. He kind of just wanted to stay inside and not do anything. But coffee was also really tempting and he could always do nothing after he had his coffee. 

-

The coffee shop was almost empty when he got there, not that it was so weird seeing it was early Saturday morning and everybody else was sleeping in their warm and cozy beds. But there was a old man in there that apparently found great pleasure in staring at Stiles like he was the reason behind all the suffering the man had ever been trough. 

Stiles got a black coffee and added a little bit to much of sugar to it before he got the hell out of there before the scary man could kill him. What the hell had he done to offend the man, it wasn’t his fault that Stiles was still young and his life almost over. 

Just when Stiles was about to take the first zip of his coffee he managed to spill it all over himself. Because on the other side of the road was Derek. Jogging. Without a shirt. As in just wearing shorts, and Stiles wasn’t staring at him at all. Nope. He also just lost his coffee because he was afraid that Derek was there to kill him like he said in the text last night. That was totally all. And since when did Derek Hale even jog, and in public? Why wasn’t he just running around in the woods somewhere? 

Stiles really wanted to shout something at Derek, but he really didn’t want to bring that much attention to himself when he had coffee everywhere. Which when he thought about it kind of hurt. It was hot, really hot and fuck. He probably just got burn everywhere because he saw Derek jogging. This was really not his day. And it really didn’t make him want to kill himself. Not at all.

The entire way home he spent thinking about how stupid he was and just how everything he did was a disappointment to everybody, and by the time Stiles was home he was on the verge of tears and just wanted to sleep for like a week. All he had done was put himself down even more and it just sucked so much that he couldn’t even talk about how he was feeling to anybody. But he could at least try and text Scott and hope for the best.

10.15  
To: Scott  
From: Stiles  
Doing anything today?

Not really expecting an answer Stiles figured he could take a shower to get all the coffee off and see if he got any bad burns at all. Something he probably got with his stupid bad luck. 

11.46  
To: Stiles  
From: Scott  
Yeah, hanging out with Isaac. Sorry

Even though Stiles was happy that he actually got an answer this time it still kind of hurt that Scott, as usual, was to busy to hang out with him. They hadn’t spent any time together at all since Scott got together with Isaac. And even though Stiles got it, it still hurt when Scott was his only friend and he abandoned him just like that. Again.

So Stiles spend his day the way he spent most of his days lately, alone with the TV. And not at all using food as comfort. He would never do that. That was not the reason he just ate two whole pizzas himself. Nope, he was just one of those growing boys that need loads of food and therefore he was going to eat ice cream for desert. 

At the end of the day Stiles felt as awful and useless as he did the last night and he found the idea of killing himself just as tempting as the night before, maybe even more. But his dad was home and that was enough to remind him that he could never do that to him. He could never leave him all alone. 

Unlike the night before Stiles did feel tired, and he wanted to sleep. It was still late when he got into bed but he had high hopes of actually getting some sleep, if not even an actual good night of sleep. How unbelievable it might sound for him. However just when he got his eyes closed and felt himself falling asleep his phone went of. 

 

01.23  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
I see you enjoy me jogging shirtless?

And yeah there was no way Stiles would ever get any sleep now, and he was never going to be able to look Derek in the eyes again.


	3. Sometimes is a good idea to not text people you like in the middle of the night

There was no way that Stiles was freaking out. Because he totally wasn’t. The texts from Derek wasn’t anything to freak out over. Not at all. And it didn’t give him an awful feeling in his stomach and made him want to cry. Okay, so Stiles was already kind of crying. It was just really embarrassing. And he wished that he never left the house. In fact he was never going to leave the house again.

01.54  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Really funny, in fact I’m laughing so hard that I fell out of my bed and hurt my arm.

01.56  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
I bet that hurt, you should get someone to kiss it better.

And now Stiles had no idea of what the fuck was going on, because really? This had to be a joke. Derek had to be messing with him. And it kind of hurt, that Derek would do that. It really didn’t seem like a thing that fitted in to the relationship they had with each other and it could only mean that Derek hated Stiles more than he had thought already. And that really sucked. 

It wasn’t like Derek and him were friends or anything like that, but just because they kind of only talked when something or someone was trying to kill them or people around them he didn’t think Derek hated him that much. In fact Stiles had been kind of sure that Derek had started to warm up to him and was kind of starting to like him, hence why Stiles had decided that it was totally fine to text him. 

Of course not in the way that Stiles liked Derek because Stiles did in fact own a mirror. He was also fully aware of that Derek Hale looked like a God and that there wasn’t a person in the world that would say no if Derek wanted them. So why would he ever settle for someone like Stiles? 

But Stiles couldn’t stop the little hope he had of Derek not messing with him. No matter how much his brain told him that Derek didn’t and never would think of Stiles like that, he still wanted him too. There was also the fact that there wasn’t any reason for Derek to be messing with Stiles like this. It didn’t make sense. Derek wasn’t curl like that, or at least Stiles was like 94% sure he wasn’t.

In the hope of that Derek just was attracted to people less good-looking, Stiles deiced to go with it. It wasn’t like anybody else would know if it was a joke anyway. Or Stiles really hoped so; he would have to move to the other side of the world if anybody else found out. 

02.14  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Well, that sounds like a good idea. Are you offering?

It took Stiles 5 minutes and a few seconds before he started to freak out about the fact that he actually sent that message to Derek. Derek Hale that could kill him with one arm. Probably even without arms and still not stress about it. 

After half an hour Stiles was almost in tears and he hated himself so much for sending the text. All he wanted now was to just die or at least never have to see anybody again. Derek was most likely sitting at home, wherever the fuck Derek even lived, laughing at Stiles and how stupid he was for thinking that Derek actually could like him or find him attractive.   
-

Two hours after the text was sent and with no reply, Stiles did in fact start to cry. Derek had to have been messing with him and now he was probably telling everybody about how funny it was that Stiles have thought that Derek would like him. It was still a hope that Derek just simply had fallen asleep and hadn’t seen Stiles text yet. He could get a reply in the morning and then he would just laugh about how stupid he been all night, panicking like this. 

Stiles should just go to sleep and then see in the morning if Derek had seen the text and answered it. How long could Derek sleep anyways? Not longer than 1pm, that would be impossible. Derek was kind of a grown-up and should get out of bed early. But it still wasn’t any reason for him too. 

Maybe Stiles should text Derek once more to tell him it was just a joke and that he didn’t mean it. Pretend that he was just playing with him and didn’t actually wanted Derek to kiss his stupid arm. 

04.36  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
That was just a joke. I didn’t mean it like that. 

04.39  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Thought you might want to know. Don’t want this to be weird. 

04.45  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
It’s totally weird now that I’m talking about it right?

04.48  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
I’m so sorry

04.50  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Please just forget about this?

05.01  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
And could you just not tell anybody about this so they don’t laugh at me? 

 

05.04  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Not for texting you, but for thinking you liked me. 

05.07  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
You probably weren’t even thinking about that. Please just forget all of this too. I’m so sorry. Just going to go die now. Bye.

Stiles should really just throw his phone away, or just delete Derek’s number. Or just not text him like 6 times in a row and not understand that was a bad idea before after the last text. He is just so stupid and Derek is going to laugh his ass of when he wakes up in the morning. And the he will maybe come over to kill Stiles just for being annoying and stupid.


	4. It's weird to see how much people can surprise you

Stiles did fall asleep from crying in the end and he didn’t wake up until noon the following day. Or he was woken up by his dad, which for some stupid reason thought Stiles would like to be woken up on a Sunday. Stiles didn’t. Not at all. In fact, he would like to sleep away the entire day. Just so he could avoid the Derek issue for a little longer. Like forever. 

He didn’t dare to look at his phone. Not yet. It was scary and he didn’t want to know if Derek had seen the texts or not. Or well, Stiles actually really wanted to know if Derek had seen the text, but he was aware of that he wasn’t getting the answer that he wanted, so looking would just confirm all of his fears and make him feel even shittier than usual. 

Something that actually would be terrible. Stiles had no idea of how much worse he could get before it would be to much for him. So not looking at his phone was a good plan. Like a really good plan. In fact, Stiles liked his brilliant idea so good that he was going to reward himself with some well deserved Doctor Who time. As in, Stiles was going to spend his entire Sunday in bed watching tv because that was Sundays were for. And also Stiles didn’t have anything better going on and he would like to not think about that at all. 

-

It took two episode and a half a box of strawberry ice cream before Stiles dared to look on his phone. And it took him almost 15 minutes to proses what he was actually reading. 

10.15  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
What are you even talking about?

 

10.45  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Stiles?

 

11.02  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Of course I like you. Were kind of friends right?

11.03  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Or I at least thought so? 

11.14  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
STILES

13.54  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
That’s it. I’m coming over.

The last text was sent only a few minutes ago, but that still meant that Derek would be there soon and Stiles was not at all ready to talk to him face to face. Stiles didn’t feel like talking to anybody face to face. Or even talk at all. He wanted to hide and not see Derek or anyone at all. He could feel how he started to panic and but he knew that he had to calm down. Stiles were not going to cry in front of Derek. He would die if he did. As in just fall to the ground and die, of the shame. And he was just really really glad that his dad had left to do some work. 

-

Stiles had only been freaking out for about five minutes when Derek entered his room. Trough the window of course, he really should start locking that stupid window. It would save him form loads of trouble. However Stiles didn’t have time to think about that right now, he was still freaking out and now Derek was there and Stiles had no idea of what to do and he really wished for the world to just end. 

“Why are you freaking out? What’s going on?” Derek asked and he looked so truly concerned that Stiles wanted to cry. But he couldn’t cry. Derek couldn’t know that it was any reason for crying. There totally wasn’t.

“What do you mean with freaking out? I’m not at all freaking out, I just thought you came here to kill me”, Stiles said and tried to look anywhere that wasn’t Derek’s stupid concerned face and perfect body. “You’re heart is beating like crazy. Or course you’re freaking out” Derek half yelled at Stiles. Witch made Stiles flinch and move a little away from Derek. Almost falling out of his bed in doing so. He would have fallen down, but Derek was there right away pulling him back up in the bed. And then instead of moving away again he just sat down right in front of stiles on the bed. 

“Look, I’m sorry if you felt like I was coming onto you and it made you nervous. I was just joking with you and I thought we were friends, at least almost friends. Joking with each other is a thing friends do right?” Derek asked and looked at Stiles with a kind of vulnerability that made Stiles’ heart ache and he really didn’t have a response for that. Not at all. He never seen this side of Derek and it only made him even more attractive and perfect and Stiles was totally fucked. 

“That’s not it. I thought you were making fun of me. Like I was a joke” Stiles whispered, and he couldn’t actually believe he had just told Derek that. How he was even able to get the words out. He wasn’t going to tell Derek the truth, but it had just happened and now Stiles really wished he hadn’t said anything. There was so many good lies he could have told Derek. Or well it wasn’t, Derek would know if he was lying. “I would never make a joke out of you Stiles” Derek said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “ And I don’t understand what would make you think that.”

-

Stiles did end up crying and he hated himself for it. However it had ended with Derek hugging him so he was going to count it as a win. Also Derek had stayed in his room for like three hours. Until Stiles’ dad got home and Derek was gone with just a quick goodbye. And Stiles could feel the loneliness creep up on him right away. 

He didn’t feel as awful as before though. Derek made him feel better. A lot actually. He couldn’t believe that he told Derek about how insecure he was and how great Derek had been about it. Stiles knew Derek wasn’t bad as everybody would have it too, but this side Derek had showed today was something Stiles never had expected. 

 

The fact that Derek also had decided to stay and watch Doctor Who with Stiles when he had stopped crying kind of made his heart ache even more and Stiles was beginning to see how fucked he was.


	5. Mondays kind of always suck but they don't always make you want to kill yourself that much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really planing to write this like three weeks ago but I have a really good(terrible) excuse, I was sick, then I went away and had a shitload of homework to do. So yeah, I'm trying to actually write, but I forgot where I was going with this so making it up as I go. But I will make myself update at least once a week. maybe. Oh and totally didn't write this in class.

The rest of Stiles Sunday was just boring and he kind of wanted to text Derek, but he was to terrified and didn’t want to bug him. He had already spent so much time with Stiles that day and he was probably sick of him and Stiles didn’t want to make Derek not like him. Not that Derek did like him, but he had said that they were friends. And that would mean that Derek at least didn’t hate him?

Stiles really hoped so, or he was almost sure of it. But as always he couldn’t get that bad feeling to go away. The one that told him that it were no reason for Derek to want to be his friend and that it had to be a joke. Because nobody would ever want to spend their time with Stiles. Why would they? He was nothing special and nobody actually cared that much for him. 

Derek telling him that he thought of Stiles as a friend was just something Derek would do out of pity as Stiles was just so pathetic. That had to be the reason, Stiles couldn’t understand if Derek actually liked him. There was nothing to like. And if it wasn’t out of pity or as a joke, Derek had just not seen how plain and boring Stiles was. He would soon, Stiles was sure of it. 

However much Stiles told himself that it wasn’t for real he still had the feeling of that it might could be, and that he shouldn’t ruin the small chance he had by deciding that Derek was only doing it as a joke. The thought of what if would never completely leave him alone. 

Stiles was fully aware of his a little more than a crush thing for Derek would never be anything more. He just thought that being friends with Derek would be good too; it was better than nothing at least. He would be happy with that. If it was real of course.

Seeing that Stiles in fact had a somewhat stressful and confusing day, Stiles was really tried as it got late Sunday night. And for once he feel asleep without to much worry and an almost smile on his face. He would never admit that it had everything do with Derek. 

-

Stiles woke up early Monday and he actually felt awake and like a real human being. His mood was also good and he even got to see his dad a few minutes before his dad had to leave for work. It was looking like a good day, despite it being Monday, and Mondays was mostly always terrible. Even more lately when Scott spend all his time with Isaac at school. 

However Stiles wasn’t going to try and make a good day shitty with his stupid thoughts that made no sense. He was going to smile and talk and pretend that life was just great. Like it should be, Stiles had no reason to not like his life. If you looked away form all the supernatural things going on. It was just that his mind didn’t always agree with him. Or well almost never. 

-  
Stiles was sitting in he jeep at school when the day went from good to shitty. It was just looking at the school and knowing that he was totally alone in there that made everything so awful. The fear of all the things he knew would happen, and the way people looked at him. Like he was some kind of freak that they just wanted far away from them. It was almost funny, because Stiles was not the one they should categories as a monster. Not that he thought of werewolves as monsters. Hell he loved the werewolves. Especially the ones with leatherjackets that sometimes told him that they would rip his throat out. So well, Stiles liked Derek.

It wasn’t until Stiles saw Scott walking alone that he got out of the jeep and tried to run over so that he could talk to him a little before everybody else showed up. Nobody had time to talk with him then. He knew he wasn’t that important. 

He got in a “hey” and a “what’s up” before Isaac was there and then he just kind of left so he didn’t have to look at them being all coupley. Not really making Stiles day any better looking at everybody else being so happy. It kind of just sucked a lot. 

Leaving them he walked into the school, trying not to look at all the people that looked him in disgust because he knew that they were doing it. He would be doing it to, its not like anybody would want to look at him. So trying to stay out of everybody’s way he tried to get to his class as fast as he could.

\- 

It wasn’t until he was sitting on a chair in the back of the classroom that he got his phone out and looked at it for the first time since he left home. He had two new messages. Both from Derek, and that did not at all make his heart stop a little. Not at all. 

08.03  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Have a good day at school. 

08.06  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Oh, and if you aren’t doing anything later we could watch some more of that show?

 

Stiles wasn’t sure if he was actually awake anymore. This couldn’t be true. Why would Derek want to hang out with him? It had to be some kind of sick joke.


	6. School sucks and you can't always care about all the people there

It took Stiles staring at his phone for about ten minutes before he managed to actually understand what was going on. And it made him want to scream, he didn’t actually understand why Derek wanted to hang out with him again. Like it wasn’t as if they had that much in common? Or maybe. But that didn’t mean Derek should want to hang out with Stiles. Nobody else wanted to. Ever.

Still, he really wanted to hang out with Derek if this was for real. Really wanted to hang out with Derek and just be close to Derek as much as he could. But as always the feeling of something being wrong never left him. It would always feel like people were playing him when they were being nice. 

The lesson started before Stiles managed to even do anything else than look at his phone and he just didn’t know what to say to Derek. He wanted to say yes but at the same time he didn’t feel like being humiliated like that if it wasn’t for reel.

But as his English teacher kept talking he knew he had to answer Derek so he didn’t just show up again and made Stiles make a fool out himself. Again.

 

08.45  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Sure, and it’s not that show. Its Doctor Who. It THE show. 

 

It made Stiles stomach hurt the second he sent the text and he really regretted it already. Made him want to claw all his skin off and just he wanted to never get an answer as much as he wanted on right away. Mostly he wanted it to be over. 

 

08.49  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Well, then we can watch THE show? I can come over later?

08.50  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Unless your dad is home? 

 

Stiles wasn’t really sure, but his dad was mostly never home early. Mostly he came home after Stiles had gone to bed and he didn’t see him that much. But it was almost funny that Derek was afraid of his dad, or not afraid but wanted to hide from him. 

08.52  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
No, dad’s not going to be home until late. So come over whenever after school. 

08.53  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
:) 

Derek Hale sent him a smilyface and it was messing with Stiles head. In a serious way. Like it didn’t make any sense. Thinking about Derek sending smilyfaces made him want to laugh and at the same time freak out cause Derek sent it to him and this just couldn’t be for real could it? There was no way. 

-

The rest of Stiles day went on in mostly silence and just noting. He was listening halfway to his lessons and tried to talk to Scott a few times. Didn’t work that much, he got a few yes or no’s out of him but not anymore. He sat with them at lunch and looked at Scott and Isaac smile at each other until he wanted to puke. 

After lunch he started to get a little panicked about Derek coming over, and by a little he meant that he as on the way to have a full on panic attack. Not that he really had the time for that. So he got out of class and hid in the bathroom until the day was over. He missed two classes but sometimes he needed to actually try and take care of himself.

He looked awful when he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. He hadn’t been crying all that much, but his face was red and the rest of him just really looked like shit. And the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough for anybody still would go away.

-

Eventually, after trying to get himself to look at little more decent, Stiles got out of the bathroom and headed home. Driving was calming him down and for once he didn’t get more panicked the closer he got. Hanging out with Derek wouldn’t be that bad, hell, it was supposed to be something fun. Something that Stile should be looking forward to. Noting that would make him feel shitty. Therefore Stiles was going to look forward to this. Because he got to watch more Doctor Who and he got to do it with Derek, that actually wanted to spend his time with Stiles. 

Stiles kept this attitude going until he made his way into is room and found Derek sitting there, on his bed, with a some take out boxes and a big smile on his face.


	7. Sleeping can be fun too and sometimes people can confuse the shit out of you

Derek was smiling and Stiles really didn’t know what to say. To be honest he had hoped that he would have some time to himself before Derek came over. So that he could try and calm down a little and maybe clean up, both the room and himself. But at the same time it could be a good thing. Derek coming over right away because he didn’t want to wait any longer to spend time with Stiles. Since he thought Stiles was so much fun? The only thing Stiles knew for sure was that he had no idea of what was going on anymore. And he had no idea if it was good or bad. 

“Hi”, Stiles got out eventually, smiling back at Derek and just yeah. He had told himself that this was a good thing and therefore he had to act like it too. 

“Hey, I brought curly fires. They are your favorite, right?” Derek looked almost nervous after asking. Like it was really important that he got it right. And no matter how sweet and awesome Stiles thought it was that Derek remembered and bought him his favorite food, it was to good to be real. It made he whole joke thing spin in his head and like, could someone have made a bet with Derek to lead Stiles on? Since he was trying so hard?

“Yes they are! Give me now” Stiles said instead of letting Derek now how unreal he thought all of this was. Still Stiles was getting curly fires and it almost made all the doubt worth it. Almost.

-

They ended up sitting side by side on the floor, since Derek didn’t want to get food on Stiles bed. Like Stiles cared about that. At the same time, the bed was kind of scary. He kind of actually liked sitting on the floor with Derek. Mostly because Derek sat down so close that they where touching and Stiles had to concentrate hard to not let his heart rate go through the roof. 

It only took two and a half episodes, with Stiles explaining all the things Derek didn’t understand, before Stiles got tired. And before he even knew what was happening he was leaning against Derek and Derek had his arm around him. Stiles weren’t panicking. He totally wasn’t, because he was far beyond panicking. But it was so nice, and Derek was just so warm and comfy, and Stiles really was tired so he could just rest his eyes for a few minutes. 

-

It could only have been 20 minutes later when Stiles woke up again because the episode was still going. And Stiles had really fallen asleep against Derek and he just wanted to hit his head against the wall. Repeatedly. Until he lost all of his memories that made him feel bad.

First now did Stiles notice that Derek was in fact also sleeping. Leaning back on Stiles with a smile on his face. It didn’t make Stiles fall more in love with him at all. Nope. 

But since Derek was sleeping, Stiles could too go back to sleep. He tried to get more comfy (witch was only an excuse to lean more on Derek) before closing his eyes. Going back to sleep with a just as big smile as Derek had. 

-

When Stiles woke up again was dark outside and there was someone shaking him. Witch rude, Stiles was sleeping. He didn’t want to get up just yet. It was to dark for it to be morning anyways.

“Stiles” he heard a voice say, a sexy voice that he wouldn’t mind hearing all the time.

“Stiles wake up. Your dad is home. I have to go”

That made Stiles get up, he was still sitting on the floor, now with Derek in front of him. Holding onto both of his shoulders. And he was really close. Really close, if Stiles leaned forwards he could probably have kissed him. Not that he could do that. He would be so dead. 

“Oh, what time is it?”

“Almost ten. I got to go. I’ll text you later”

Derek was on his feet and out of the window before Stiles even managed to give him an answer. 

-

Right after Stiles had actually gotten off the floor and onto his bed to sleep more, his dad knocked on his door and walked right in. Why did he even bother knocking?

“Hey dad, what’s up?” Stiles said and he really wanted to sleep but his dad was there and he couldn’t bring himself to make him leave.  
“ Just wanted to see how you were doing kid”

“I’m fine, just a long day. You know, Mondays are the worst.” Stiles tried to give his dad a smile that said that he was totally fine and not to worry.

“Right, goodnight. See you tomorrow. Sleep well” 

“You too dad” 

His dad looked almost sad when he left the room and Stiles wasn’t sure if it was because he had a long day too or if he knew that something was going on. As in the there is something wrong in Stiles head and not that he knew about Derek. Not that it was anything to know about Derek. They were just friends hanging out. Like friends do, nothing weird about that. 

Stiles was so fucked. He was so goon for Derek that it wasn’t even funny, and the guy hadn’t even done that much. He was just there. But really, that’s was more than everybody else. And what Stiles needed. He needed someone to talk to and just someone that cared. It wasn’t so hard for Derek to do that, but that didn’t mean he wanted anything more than friendship. It had to be lonely for him too. Stiles really couldn’t get his hopes up. It would just make everything so much worse when nothing worked out the way he wanted them to. 

-

Stiles really didn’t get why he was so tired, he and Derek had been sleeping for hours and he had sleep all night last night. It made no sense for him to be so tired. He still wanted to just go back to sleep and sleep to morning, but he couldn’t. Derek said he was going to text him and Stiles really didn’t want to miss that. He had no idea of what to make out of this day with Derek. Still Stiles was getting sure of the fact that it wasn’t just a joke. It didn’t seem like it. But as always the fear of just being made fun of wouldn’t go away. 

There was nothing else for Stiles to do than wait for Derek to text him, so he decide to try and watch some more Doctor Who. At least then he wouldn’t just seem like a loser that sat waiting with his phone. However, he totally was.

-

Stiles didn’t even get to watch one episode before his phone lighted up. 

23.05  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Sorry that I had to leave so fast, I had fun. Despite the fact that we both slept most of the time. We have to do it again soon. 

23.06  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
No worries. Sorry for falling asleep. And yeah I would love that. 

23.08  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Goodnight Derek 

23.09  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Goodnight Stiles. Talk to you tomorrow.


	8. Some days are bad for no reason and it sucks so much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know it's been forever and I'm really really really sorry. I just didn't feel like writing and noting felt right and all the words sounded wrong and I just couldn't. But I did it and I will try to finish soon, and if I'm slow just yell at me.

Waking up before his alarm Stiles knew that it was going to be a bad day. All days when he woke before his alarm was bad, the missing need to sleep was just the first indicator of that. He could feel the anxiety starting to build and he just wanted to say in his bed and just not do anything. It was to bad to deal with people. He hadn’t been up for more than a few minutes and he was already starting to shake. There was no way Stiles could manage to deal other people today. 

He needed to say home and he just hoped to god that his dad wouldn’t be mad about it. It wasn’t like Stiles enjoyed feeling like this and just not being able to leave the house. Not that his dad knew any of this and Stiles was just going to tell him that he was feeling sick, something abut his stomach or something. His dad wasn’t going to be home anyways. 

7.05  
To: TheBestDad   
From: Stiles  
I’m not feeling that good, can I say home today?

7.08  
To: Stiles  
From: TheBestDad  
What’s wrong?

07.13  
To: TheBestDad   
From: Stiles  
Stomach-thing

07.15  
To: Stiles  
From: TheBestDad  
Alright, well okay for today. Try to sleep and call if you need anything.

Stiles felt a little bad for lying to his dad about being sick, but it wasn’t like it was all a lie. He was sick, just not in the way that he told his dad. Or would ever tell his dad, it would break both of them if he ever found out.

-

Knowing he didn’t have to leave for school made Stiles feel a little better and he managed to calm down a little. His heart was still breathing a little fast and he was still shaking a little but it was getting better. And having to leave would only made it so much worse.

As Stiles got woken up in a bad way he was now wide awake and there was no way he could manage to get anymore sleep. It was to bright out and he just wouldn’t be able to shut his brain down for long enough. He was just wondering about if he should text Derek and the thought wouldn’t leave him now. He wanted to, so bad. He just had no idea of what to write.

Writing “good morning” was always an option, but it felt so easy and Stiles wanted to make Derek laugh or feel god or just something. “Good morning” was just to boring. There had to be something better he could write.

-  
Stiles was still sitting there trying to figure out what to text Derek when his phone went of, and he got a text. From Derek.

09.06  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
Why aren’t you at school? 

09.07  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
How do you even know that I’m not at school?

 

09.10  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
I was just driving past. Couldn’t hear you, so went closer and I was right. Where are you?

Stiles was kind of torn of what he should feel about that text, it was obvious that Derek and been checking up on him. And as sweet as it was it was also kind of creepy. Also Stiles didn’t want to tell Derek that he was taking a mental health day. Just because Derek knew that Stiles had really low self-esteem, didn’t mean that Derek needed to know just how much Stiles hated himself.

09.15  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
I’m at home, wasn’t feeling that good.

09.16  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
What is wrong? Do you want me to come over??

09.17  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Don’t worry, its not that bad.

09.19  
To: Stiles  
From: Kindofscarywolf  
I’m coming over. Be there in 10.

09.20  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
What no? I’m fine

09.21  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
You don’t need to come over, I’m just going to sleep.

09.24  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Derek?

09.27  
To: Kindofscarywolf  
From: Stiles  
Fine. Just use the door please?

As much as Stiles would love to see Derek, and spend his sick day with Derek he just wasn’t sure if he could deal with seeing anybody right now. Not even Derek who was just so wonderful when it came to Stiles stupid insecurities. Stiles didn’t want Derek to see him in this state. All Stiles wanted was to be alone and maybe text Derek. He just wasn’t feeling up to seeing anybody in person. Still Derek was probably the only person that could might be an exception to that.

-

No more than 5 minutes after Stiles sent the last text to Derek there was a knock on his bedroom door and before Stiles could say anything at all the door open and showed a worried looking Derek. With a smile on his face that looked so forced and nervous Stiles almost wanted to laugh. He didn’t even know what to say. 

“Hi” Stiles wisped eventually and first then Derek managed to move and was over by the bed before Stiles even knew he had moved. Also it made Stiles aware of the position he was in. He was sitting on top of his covers with his back to the wall and his legs pulled up to his chest. He looked like a scared little child. Who also had managed to cry without noticing. 

This was just getting better by the second. 

-

“What is wrong?” Derek asked him and the hurt on his face was so visible it made Stiles feel so shit, as it was all his fault. Derek feeling bad because he felt bad, and the thing was that he didn’t even know why he felt bad. 

“I..I…I don’t know” Stiles managed to get out “I just feel scared and there is no reason and I don’t know what’s going on”. Surprised by how much he managed to get out Stiles wanted to say so much more but he didn’t know where to start or how to say it. He didn’t know how to tell somebody that he was so afraid of everything and how he sometimes felt more like dying that ever having to talk to another person ever again.

“What are you scared of? What I do to help?” Derek asked desperately as he sat down beside Stiles and tried to drag his hands away from around his body and just hold them in his own. It took more of his strength than he wanted it to but it put a little smile on Stiles face. Even if it was just for a few seconds it was something. 

“Everything is scary Derek, and I don’t understand it. Why I’m so scared. I just don’t want to give people more reasons to laugh at me or think that I’m stupid and worthless”

The angry look Stiles got from Derek when talking about himself that way was terrifying the few seconds it lasted. Derek took a deep breath and carefully pulled Stiles face upwards so he would look at him when he started to talk. 

“I don’t understand why you would ever describe yourself as worthless because I can think of a thousand reasons why you aren’t, and not a single of why you are. It makes me feel so sad that you think of yourself is this way and I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Just even for a second. To see this wonderful young man that cares so much about the people around him. All I ever think about when I look at you is how lucky I’m for having met you,” Derek stopped talking to carefully wipe away a few tears form Stiles face and just smile at him. Then he opened his mouth to talk again and just looked like he didn’t even know where to start. 

“Stiles I’m just going to.. ehm.. Please don’t hit me,” Derek talked fast and before Stiles even got to try to ask why he would hit Derek there was no space between them and Derek’s lips were on his.

Derek was actually kissing him.


End file.
